from the rubble

“It all depends on how you look at it”, She said.

“That’s bullshit” he replied, “You’re just justifying your actions”.

“No I’m not. Think about it. You have a guy who ties a bomb to his body, runs into a crowded public area and blows himself and everyone else up” she started. He stared at her blankly, almost as if he'd just been slapped, failing to make the connection. She continued, “He did it because all those people in that square support a government that say its o.k. for their armed forces to rape and kill his people because of who they are and where they live, when they’ve been living there all their lives. Is this guys a terrorist or a freedom fighter?” she queried. He raised his eyebrows knowing what was coming.

“You’re kidding right?” he stated.

“No, I’m not. To his people he’s…” she trailed off.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah” he cut her off, “I know where you’re going with this. But it’s not the same” he said rolling his eyes at her.

“You only say that because that’s not how you look at it”, she said smirking satisfactorily.

“I shoulda seen that one coming”, he said smiling.

“All done” said the tattoo artist.

“Nice” Siobhan breathes in a whisper. “What do ya think?” she asks Ryan.

“Very nice. Ready?” he asks.

Siobhan paid for the fresh artwork on her right upper arm. She gripped Jo’s hand and pulled her chest to chest in a familiar embrace. “Thanks Grrrl. Beautiful as usual” she said shoving an obscene amount of money in her hand. Macha, drawing her sword, eyes glaring out at the world, much in the same manner Siobhan was prone to doing, beautifully replicated onto her skin. Jo tried to object to the ridiculouly generous tip, but Siobahan wouldn't have it. "Can you put a price on art?" she said to Jo and backed out of the shop smiling, with Joann smiling back at her, palms pressed against each other and bowing slightly. She and Ryan made their way back to her loft in DUMBO. As Ryan climbed off the back of her bike he fiend fixing his hair and batting his eyelashes at Siobhan. She just giggled at his hulking 240 lb sculptured body acting like a 15-year-old girl.

Once upstairs, Siobhan drew open the long white curtains framing the huge picture windows facing the East River as it pours into the bay. The apartment lit up as if unvieled, light spilling in despite the gray clouds looming over the city. Ryan turned on the stereo to find Stevie RayVaughn wailing away his Texas style blues that immediately put a smile on Siobhan’s face. After a little air guitar solo, she brought him some water and collapsed on the sofa across from Ryan with a satisfying 'flump'.

“So” he said leaving an opening for her.

“Uhg…can’t we talk about something else” she requested.

“No. I want to know what you intend to do. You know Mari’s birthday is nearly here. You’ve already bought a ridiculous amount of presents, as usual, and yet you’re sketching images of this other lass. Where is your head?” Ryan asked.

Siobhan grabbed her face and threw her head back with a groan of frustration. “Ryan, I just don’t know,” she mumbled into her hands.

“You talking to me or yourself” he asked sarcastically.

Sitting up and glaring only to receive a big smirk in return from him, she defended, “I love Mari. I have loved Mari for years. Of course I bought lots of presents.”

“And the sketches…” his words left hanging in the air.

Siobhan was silent for a few moments, thoughts of Alex running through her head. Her beautiful smile, her unabashed laughter, her bullshit free conversations, the way Siobhan felt when Alex would casually touch her somehow flirtatious without towing her into betrayal …well not by the letter anyway. Alex at the beach, Alex on her Harley, Alex in uniform, Siobhan was gone. “Hellooooooo, there was a question there?” Ryan jarred Siobhan from her reverie.

“Oh Ryan. I cannot stop thinking about her. I know I don’t know her, but I know her. She makes me feel…on fire, alive, free.” Siobhan blurted.

“Didn’t Mari do the same for you when you met?” he countered.

“It’s not the same. New is new and all things new burn fresh, but... I mean, Mari was new once and then more, and I love her now; but I promise you, this is something entirely different and has tilted my world just enough that everything seems to be sliding. This isn’t just new, and yet I feel new. There’s this…I don't know....connection between us that there just aren’t any words for. It’s as if I’ve known her, which I obviously haven’t or like I’ve found someone I knew I was about to meet, but couldn't have known, some kind of deja vu but less hokey...” She said groping for the right words.

“So you lie to Mari, cheat on her and if what you say is true, eventually leave her. Nice.” He said sounding disappointed.

“No. I don’t want to leave Mari. I don’t feel I’ve lost anything, I mean not that wasn't already missing. I mean I know we have our own shit today to deal with, but it’s not related. You know I’d tell Mari if I could but I’ll end up in the street. She wouldn’t get it.” Siobhan said exasperated.

“Maybe there’s nothing to get. Maybe you’re just romanticizing this for your own benefit and you’re simply a cheat who wants her cake and eat it too.” He offered.

“Some friend. Do you ever listen to anything I tell you? The time I spend with Alex is free from expectation. I’m not thinking about how to swoon her, how to get with her, what comes next. I’m simply there, present, enjoying the moment. She doesn’t want me for herself; she just wants time with me to share whatever connection it is we’ve got. The only want in tomorrow is for more time with each other.” She explained, but as she trailed off her brow furrowed thinking there was no way to find this in her life with Mari. Mari was filled with expectation, and shouldn't she be? It 's how Siobhan has always been with her, filling her expectations. And how do you change midstream, how do you explain that something in you feels as if it's been free'd, made anew, by someone else?

“Look. I don’t always understand this free spirit rubbish you spout, but I can appreciate it. Still, how can it work when Mari believes you are hers alone. No one wants you to be happy more than I and it would be different if Mari knew and agreed with your life’s philosophy or even knew things have changed for you. But can you really love Mari and spend time with Alex, having to lie to Mari? I don’t know Siobhan. I’m just worried about you…and Mari. I’ve grown to love her you know.” Ryan finished. Siobhan stood staring out the giant windows the gray clouds turning darker. The conflict between Mari not knowing how she felt about this aspect of life and trying to live the way she thought her life should be. She growled at the sky and turned staring at Ryan.

“What?” he asked feeling cornered suddenly.

“I appreciate your honesty. I’m not trying to be a dick. I don’t know what to do. You know me, you know I’m not just trying to get one over one Mari” she started.

“I know, I know. I didn’t mean that. I just want to you to try and think clearly about this one. Be good to Mari. “ he was saying when the intercom buzzed and Mari’s smiling face came up on the screen. “Speak of the devil,” he said.

Siobhan buzzed her in and moments later sat listening to Mari tell her about her day, with Ryan gone and promising to finish the conversation later. Mari’s words were clear, but Siobhan’s thoughts were not. A flash of brilliant lightening lit the sky and appeared to be a premonition to the coming days.