letting go

Responsive only to pain, she barely opened her eyes when i ran my knuckles on her sternum. Anyone else would have punched my lights out; if only she could. But she's way past that now. Her blood pressure is dropping, her white cell count is climbing, fever is only a matter of time. The antibiotics aren't touching whatever is causing the infection. Her kidneys are shut down and we haven't been able to drain the toxic waste from her abdomen because it might drop her blood pressure in the toilet and cause a heart attack. Her tube feed backed up to the top of the tube this morning and we suctioned tube feed from here lungs. Sepsis, the nemesis of healing, the hospital ward welcoming committee if you stay long enough.

She's been here for 22 days; it started when she passed out at home. She's only 63, and she's trying like mad to leave us. Is she even in there? I wonder when I go in to draw blood cultures to see what's growing in her bloodstream, making her sicker. The stream of doctors and consults have come like a river of advice that the family watched flow by, unabided. Her prognosis is so poor, and everyone has laid it out for the husband, the children. The merciful thing would be to sign a DNR/DNI (do not resuscitate, do not intubate), give her pain medication and let her rest. She lays there with her mouth slightly gaping, lines and tubes sticking out everywhere. Where is the love in this, keeping her plugged in and turned off - who is this about?

The last sentence in the note from the attending reads: "....have explained prognosis in detail to family, answered all questions requested DNR/DNI for patient. Family members fully expect a miracle. Full code."

Why?